Breaking News - April 23, 2012
An anonymous unknown source has indicated to ESPN that a massive scandal is afoot in New Orleans. ESPN naturally is reporting all the details of the anonymous tip live all day Monday. We have live TV coverage of our reporters repeating the allegations propounded by the anonymous source, and will be flashing the anonymous source’s allegations as quotes with projected sources from the Bible on our background screen as we discuss.
An unamed source has revealed shocking facts about the technology underlying New Orleans Superdome before its destruction/being shat upon as a result of Hurricane Katrina. The source revealed that the Superdome was capable of:
1. releasing retractable knives into the entry tunnel of visiting teams, attempting to stab (and the source revealed, actually stabbing visiting players, but in a manner unobservable to the opposing players because the stab wounds healed immediately thereafter, leaving the sensation of a mere prick
2. lifting off on its Indian graveyard foundations and flying in a manner affecting visitors’ field goal kick trajectory and
3. selectively soaking and draining the field of play depending on whose offense was on the field.
The anonymous unnamed source confirmed that General Manager Mickey Loomis inherited the saboteur technology and the control to that technology, which he has embedded in a control device within the skin of his right arm. The source explained that it could not lead Federal investigators to clues about the operation of the device, as part of its functionality is to self-conceal upon the mental command of the General Manager. The source could not explain why the Saints continued a roughly 30 year losing streak while employing the magical dome. While the source explained that these functions which it became aware of in 2004 seem to have been removed in the post-Katrina renovations, the anonymous source has divulged with certainty that newer, more maniacal designs were employed in the renovated dome. The source declined to comment when asked about the character of his or her evidence indicating any of the above.
ESPN and NFL Network have dedicated the next 48 hours of airtime to exploring this new Saints scandal. Stay tuned.