Meet some of the characters you will encounter in your ventures to the gym.

The Nosy Neighbors:  You’re running at your own pace, getting lost in Pink’s latest track that just popped up on your iPod.  That’s when you notice your neighbor’s furtive glances at your treadmill.  How long have you been running?  How far have you gone?  How many calories have you burned?

And suddenly, you start feeling self conscious about your production.  This relaxing jog has just turned into a competition.  Thanks, neighbor.

The Grunters:  There’s no escaping their painful noises—they can be heard from across the gym.  They successfully make all other gym goers immediately uncomfortable.  If you need to grunt your way through the rep, maybe you should drop a few weights.  We would all be deeply appreciative.

The Fashion Statements: Caked-on makeup.  Cut-off tank tops.  A matching set of a super tight t-shirt and sweatpants that would give your grandmother a heart attack.  Flat-brimmed hats.  Booty shorts.  Jeans.  Push-up bras.  Khakis.

Clearly, you have a great wardrobe.  You know how to dress—just not for the gym.  If you’re here to find a date, you’re in the wrong place.  If you’re here to start a fashion trend, you’re in the wrong place.  If you’re here to chit chat, you’re in the wrong place.

The Chatty Kathies:  They’re not here to exercise.  They’re here to socialize.  It’s cheaper than going out to lunch.  They’ll sit on their machines alongside each other, discussing the weather, the latest headlines, the Friends rerun, the day’s dinner plans, the dress Kim Kardashian dared to wear in public, the funniest thing they heard from Barbara the other day.  And maybe in between all that gabbing, they’ll find time to press a weight or two.  Doubtful.

The Hovercrafts:  They make sure you know they’re waiting for your machine by standing over your shoulder and counting your reps.  “How many more are you going to do?”  They’re ready to jump onto your machine as soon as you stand.  And just for that, you make it a point to stay on for a few extra sets.

The Peacocks:  Surrounded by mirrors, they’re in their element.  They flex and pose.  Turn to the side.  Flex and pose.  Turn to the other side.  Flex and pose.

We get it.  You look good.  I could slice a block of cheese on your bicep.  But if you haven’t noticed, the only one checking you out at the moment is you.  Do it in the privacy of your home.

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Written by Maria

Maria is a proud Marylander, whose passion for sports runs as deep as her love for Old Bay and Natty Boh. With an extensive stash of stats (thanks to an addiction to ESPN), she enjoys dominating fantasy leagues and collecting her winnings from her flabbergasted guy friends. Maria’s favorite sport will always be football, and there is no amount of money that can ever convince her to cheer for the Pittsburgh Steelers. When she’s not at work or sitting in front of the TV with a beer and watching PTI, Maria can be found at the gym, running and watching PTI.

“Crabcakes and football. That’s what Maryland does!”